I'll start....

Father Dougal: What are you doing Dougal?
Father Ted: Watching television Ted.
Father Ted: Chewing gum for the eyes.
Father Dougal: No thanks Ted.

Father Ted: The way I feel now I could convert gays!

Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

:)