As part of my morning regime, I like to cook myself a nice fry-up. Bacon, eggs and tomatoes, every morning. There are benefits to Atkins.

However, there are also drawbacks. Because of the layout of our flat, and because I don't like to wake the sleeping Mrs B (she starts work later than me, and I am a considerate chap), I get dressed in our living room, but have to go through the kitchen to get there. So I like to turn on the grill and get a couple of things ready before putting any clothes on.

This morning, I did just this. But because I wanted to get to work early, I put the bacon under the grill and got my eggs in the pan whilst pretty much naked. Or, completely naked, to tell the truth.

This, I have now realised, is an error that I shall not be repeating. This morning, when I dropped my eggs into the pan, some hot fat leapt out of the pan to burn me slightly on the stomach. This hurt, but wasn't that major.

However, this is not the end of this morning mishaps. Because, as I pulled the grill pan from under the grill, some sort of FUCKING HOT SPARK jumped out onto a VERY SENSITIVE AREA.

I singed my pubes. It hurt like hell. Please kids, don't cook bacon and eggs in the naked. It's wrong.