Chelsea host Arsenal in a disagreeably timed Premier League third place play-off. Whoever loses could ritually disembowel themselves on top of a charitably sponsored B-52 piloted straight into the sears tower and still would not be able to erase the shame visited on their families. Later on the usual suspects scrape out their trademark dodgy wins to keep them in the hunt for the things they are apparently looking for. Forest versus Derby is the desultory bald comb fight the Championship boasts.

On Sunday, it's only the Classikoh m8. Only the Classikoh with something actually riding on it m80. The hosts go into it with a chance of getting a point for the first time in literally forever. Gerardo Martino vows to keep a clean sheet if only to stop the inbred British lad from inflicting his celebration on literally billions. Bayern could also make mathematical certainty of something everybody has known since June. Anyone looked at the Bundesliga table recently? Jesus christ. Small mercies.

If you have any other villas business, keep it to yourself.