1. Robert DeNiro - The guy insisted on real handcuffs in Midnight Run. May not have known it was a comedy. He's so damn good that he looks exactly like Marlon Brando in the Godfather.

2. Christopher Walken - Because it would be cosmic-fantastic to know somebody that actually broke up sentences in such bizarro cadences.

3. Michael Caine - Alfie played a cooler spy than James Bond. Thank goodness he became an actor instead of a salesman. If the guy was selling shares in the Brooklyn Bridge, I'd say, "Who do I make the check out to?"

3. (tie) Leonardo DeCaprio - Took me five or six years to get past the ridiculous name, but then he did Blood Diamond and suddenly I realized that he's pretty great, even in his shitty movies. Like Titanic. Tomorrow night I'm going to see Gatsby: I have a feeling I'm going to have to blame that fiasco on Jay-Z's soundtrack and remind you-all about his performance as Howard Hughes.

And:

1. Shia LeBouf - "Daddy-o"? Fuck you. Single-handedly killed the Indiana Jones franchise. Can't speak to Transformers because I've never made it past the three-minute mark.

2. David Caruso - Weird cadence, too, but not in a good way. More the guy-with-a-gun-gone-postal kinda way. CSI: Miami is so bad that I can't even watch an episode of NCIS without thinking this is somehow David Caruso's fault.

3. Hayden Christensen - What's worse than destroying Indiana Jones? Exactly so. I kept thinking: please god, somebody turn that fucker into Darth Vader, like, right now!