Wigan go down 4-1 to Arsenal and to the Championship. Spurs fans start to sweat and talk of Martinez going elsewhere gathers pace. Which is odd seeing as relegation usually costs you your job. Hope Wigan aren't too fucked. Still, Portsmouth won the Cup, made Europe and went down and that worked out fine...

In a game literally only forza knows the score of, Reading and City kick a ball around inconsequentially. Platt is asked to leave too.

Rio fucking Ferdinand retires from England duty. Again. After dicking Roy about for 2 years. I hope it's the last time this story ever shits all over the BBC sport page.

Tonight Chelsea play Benfica in the mini-Champions League Final.

Wilshere crocked. Becks may retire. Ferguson could manage Everton because he once played for them.

Anything else?