So what I know about football could be written on a gnat's chode, but this hasn't stopped me being roped in to an office-wide fantasy football league. We're using the Premier League's own system, and I now have apparently £100m to spend on 15 men, strong and true. I also need a team name. No one here takes is especially seriously, and some people use arbitrary selection criteria which is so limiting it must make them functionally useless, but I have decided to crowd-source you lot and come up with a winning formula.

So who should I pick for my team? Let's leave the fatties crying on the sidelines while the cooler kids come this way.