First of the rats leaves the sinking ship as Reo-Coker activates his relegation release clause, according to the Mail. Good player this season, probably our top performer, but really disappointed if he's decided to leave. Thought he had a bit more...what's the word...integrity about him (or sutin, idk). Shouldn't have trouble finding a middling premier league club, mind. Thanks Nige, now do one.

McRelegator gets the heave-ho at Villa, sadly for fans of any of other team. Rumours he's been installed as early favourite for the WBA job remain unfounded.

Tevez holds a RIP Fergie banner at the City parade. Well done, Carlos, ya eejit.

Neville (gareth, not philip) joins the United backroom staff while Man U chief exec David Gill says the club will have money to spend this year. Early discussions are under way to buy a new tresla table for the cafeteria, I hear.

Joey Barton faces a 10-game ban, though his exile will probably be considerably longer.

In actual football, Sheff Utd are through to the league one play-off final courtesy of a 1-0 win over Stevenage, while Franchise FC are looking to overturn a 2-0 deficit away at Huddersfield to do the same. Yorkshire final, me-thinks.

Right, you guys, go!