I watch a fair amount of football every week and read The Guardian / BBC Sport daily but still I lurk from the sidelines of the football thread wondering where I shoulda signed for the OptaSports brain-implant

Its when Verbal's coming out with 'Assou-Ekotto plays the offside trap like a table-football player' that I feel MOST like Armando Iannucci - perhaps I was born with some special edition miniaturised mind when it comes to football? Where's my anthology of seemingly every league player's attributes / current form / ideal position?

Pffff