Greeting feckless cretins, whose ancestors once ruled the seas through the combined efforts of a bunch of sex-crazed young adventurers and their leaders who sublimated their homosexual urges into the activities of empire building. My brother has recently reported back to me after a 10 year sojourn in your lands, and he reports to me – I can scarcely believe it, but he swears it is true despite its fantastical nature – that youse idiots cannot be convinced that Christmas is better in the summer than the winter.

What the fuck? Surely you realise that it is so much better to play with all the pool/beach toys Santa got you on the day, not have to wait six months. And the backyard cricket set – not much fun in the dreary wind, rain and cold is it? I suppose you can get prawns any time of year these days, but Christ, they are so much a summer food, it must feel weird having them in the middle of the winner. (Did you see what I did there – I put Christ back in Christmas). Ditto pavlova, cherries, fruit salad and ice cream.

The only possible northern hemisphere exception, I suppose, is people who live where you go skiing. Certainly not dreary Englanders leading their lives of quiet desperation. And anyway, ski fields are full of snobs and yuppies.

So prove my brother wrong, or not, and ^this your preferred Christmas weather below. If you haven’t experienced the joy of a summer Christmas, use your imagination. Or vice versa, if you’ve never had your Christmas ruined with cold weather and sleet.