Standards, needy, pal, etc.

Piss poor performances from the London sides ensure qualification remains aways a bit yet. Marseille and Sideshow Bob confirm that Arsenal's attack are not wunderkinds, just Chelsea's defence is wank.

Apoel continue to ROCK THE CHAMPION'S LEAGUE TO ITS CORE with a last minute winner over Porto. Batty Borisov clinch a draw with Milan. Valencia and Zenit both get fine victories over Leverkusen and Shakhtar respectively. Messi scuffs two in in injury time and toe pokes a penalty. Overrated. Billy Sharp scores a stunner in memory of his son, but cannot stop Doncaster Corp going down to Boro.

Tonight will be the scene of two hilariously scruffy wins for the Manchester clubs over an exponentially smaller club and a badly weakened second rate club respectively. Not going to be good.