IN THE unlikely event that Samantha Mumba ever turns up at my house whilst my wife is out and demands a portion, this is the order I will do her in: arse, gob, arse. If I have any left I will do her arse again.

Paul Evans, e-mail

I HAD TO laugh the other day. I was sniffing nitrous oxide.

T. Paddock, Sedbergh

WE ARE constantly having to see 'clammy bottoms' on nappy adverts these days, so how about seeing some of those fine young models on the Tampax adverts actually sticking their products up their minges. I for one would much prefer to see some second-rate actress's biff close up than have to see a baby's piss-soaked arse while I'm eating my cornflakes first thing in the morning.

Rhydian Lewis, Porthcawl

WHAT A complete hypocrite Paul McCartney is. He won't eat sausages, but he's quite prepared to have ivory on his piano keyboard, oh Lord. Does he really expect us to believe that if they made pianos out of sausages, he'd suddenly start eating elephants again? Frankly, I think not.

Brigadier Sir J. Lewthwait, Cumberland

SINCE I won the Football Pools, my life has been like a dream come true. Only the other day I gave my girlfriend a cuddle, but she turned into my dead grandad and started to chase me, and it was like I was running through treacle. And then I realised my maths 'A' level was about to start in ten minutes and I'd done no revision and couldn't find a pen.

R. Baker, Stroud