there are others, but is this not one of the greatest opening monologues in the history of tv? i think you'll find the answer is yes. there. end of thread.

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Tina screamed for nurse. But Little Miss Nurse didn't come. Little Miss Nurse was out in the backroom having a cigarette and flirting with doctor. The pain shot through her like a big bullet. She knew babies were meant to kick, but were they meant to scratch? No, they weren't.

Salutations friend. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer, although I prefer the term "dreamweaver". When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for television back in the 1980s, I drew deep draughts of inspiration from the dyke of my dreams. Other times I copied the plots from dead authors on whose work the copyright had lapsed. (Shrugs) Bite me. Tonight's episode however, is based on a true-life story. Which meant I could bang it out in under a day. I was told when I was 16, that my balls didn't work. They dropped, but they kept on going, and it was a question of either having them removed, or going around with really long balls, like a couple of marbles in a hiking sock. I chose the latter option, and fortune favoured me, because the day I hit 30 they winched right back up.

Point 'tis, I thought of myself as a freak, an other. For years I wondered what exactly my goolies would sire, would it be human? Thankfully, when I impregnated my wife Pam she dutifully gave birth to twins, a huge relief. Though for years I couldn't shake off the fear that one of them might eat the other. Luckily they didn't, which I put down to good parenting.

Tonight's teleplay is about others, or mutants. It's also about my own desire for a son, which I'll probably never have now because my wife's too old.