cook lots and lots of spring onions with one normal onion in a pan with three or four cardamam seeds for about ten minutes. Add garlic and ginger. Fry for two minutes. Add half a teaspoon of turmeric and half tsp of chilli powder. Add a cup of washed orange split lentils and boiling water to the top of the mix. Cook for twenty minutes, make sure it doesn't stick. Add more boiling water if necessary. Add a couple of pinches of salt only after the twenty minutes. Take it off the hob. Add two de-seeded chopped green chillies and a fucking huge amount of fresh coriander. Eat with chappatis and be the envy of all your friends.

It took me two minutes to write this. I love you all. Do it.